Thursday, October 13, 2011

I took this one with the color selector mode on the camera. I like the blue because it just screams at you to look at it. It draws your eyes right to it. I should say that I am not a photographer and I don't want to be the next Ansel Adams, I like to write, I call myself a writer bought I really haven't written much. I have ideas, lots and lots of ideas. Stories that I know would blow a readers mind, I can see them all as clear as day. I spend roughly thirteen to fourteen hours a day thinking, not average everyday normal life stuff, I am imagining new worlds, or traveling back in time to witness the evolution of man. I don't see our world for what it is I see it for what it should be or what I wish it was. I am probably the closest to actual full blown crazy then anyone else in my family. Not the hack my neighbors into pieces, cook them and feed them to you kind of crazy, the Ernest Hemingway, Kurt Kobain crazy. I am not an egomaniac by any means but I do truly have the feeling that there is something really awesome inside my constantly whirling mind. It's zinging and banging back and forth desperately  trying to burst out into the world. I love to tell stories, I love to make people laugh and I love to be different, but sometimes it isn't so easy. I get so caught up in my fantasy worlds and my mind slips further away from reality that I sometimes forget that I have to be part of that reality because it's going on with or without me. I have lost a lot, I have been in the deepest pit of hell. I've had a fully loaded shotgun to my head with the finger on the trigger, I have swallowed a bottle of pills. I was battling crippling depression and horrible pains of regret and guilt. I was surrounded by darkness and despair yet somehow I came out of it. I am a better person than I was 5 years ago and I will continue to get better.   Anything you've ever felt I've felt, except for childbirth and being shot, and that is not something to brag about. Betrayal is a very old friend of mine. I have gone from having everything to spending almost five years of daily drinking. Those years still haunt me and they don't go away. I see the way people look at me sometimes and I know they think about who/what I was back then, I have lost more friends than most people have ever had, I've ruined more lives than you could ever imagine and I’ve had more knives stabbed in my back then Julius Caesar. Back then the alcohol effectively blocked out my overworked mind and  my crippling depression, I know had it been working like it does now I wouldn't be sitting here today. In a way being a raging alcoholic probably saved my life, even though it made me someone I am not it was better than real life, yet that me is dead. I happily buried that Homer in a steel vault under 259 tons of concrete three years ago. For the first time in a very long time I am me now, the crazy, funny, solitary semi-evil genius that is actually happy to be alive. I'm not certain were I was going with all this.  My writing is like my thinking, sorry for that. Oh I think I was whining about being an alcoholic low life. I hate thinking about those days, I lay in bed at night and cry sometimes because I'm finally out of that life. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it and sometimes I'm afraid this is just a dream and when I wake up I'll be sleeping on somebody's floor with an empty bottle of vodka surrounded by the dark cloud of despair again. That is my worst fear, even worse than being covered in spiders in a confined space while listening to Nickelback. I have begun to define myself as a person, an interesting fun to be around (yet very solitary), I'd never betray him kind of person and as scary as it is it's fun as well. I'm smiling more now not from being drunk but for being happy...Happiness ,it's been so long, oh how I've missed thee, I like life. I cringe and lose my breath when I think of how close I was to pulling that trigger all those years ago. Happiness, love, family, friendship I've missed them way too much to let them go again, ever. The chair in the picture, that's me, scratched up and used but still going strong and even standing out from the crowd, whether that’s good or bad I guess we’ll have to wait and see…PEACE!!!!!!!!!!