Happy Wednesday! Only one more day left in the year 2014, it was quite an eventful year for me and overall it was pretty good.  I can't wait to see what 2015 has to bring.

I was staring out my window for quite a while, my eyes not really fixated on one thing or another, I was more zoned out than in at that moment.  Just a few seconds earlier I had been thinking of children, mine actually.  Here I am three weeks from 41 and expecting another baby.  At a time when most people start worrying about being a Grandpa, I'm changing my own kids diapers again.  don't get me wrong I am not displeased at the least, in fact I am overly joyed to have another baby, its just that parenting has been easy and it isn't getting any easier.  I have a 20 year old daughter half way around the world, a son who just turned 15 today, a 12 year old who may or may not be my mine, my 8 month old and now the new baby.  We will find out soon enough, a matter of hours, what the sex is.  Anyway, I got caught up in my thoughts as I stared into the bleak winter landscape, about my kids and how my life as a Father has been a roller coaster, how it has been the greatest time in my life and how horrible I was in the past.  I know a person isn't supposed to live in the past and I do my damnedest to keep it there but sometimes, like birthdays and holidays when I get caught up in my thoughts those dark and dreary days of neglect, personal destruction and loathing life hit me like a ton of bricks.  My stomach feels like it has 50 pounds of lead in in as I try to fathom how I could have been so weak back then, so hurtful to not only my children and family but to myself as well.  I do all I can to atone for my past discretions and karma has kicked me in the groin a few times and I have a long way to go to get myself in balance with the universe and one of my punishments will be those 3-5 minutes of torturous gut wrenching reminders of how low and weak I really was.  It hurts but in a way they have made me stronger, I've changed for the better and I am still changing everyday and realizing how far I have come since those miserable, pathetic days of yore have reminded me that I'm not so weak now and that works for me.  I didn't really rant today, more like reflected, all things happen for a reason and I have come a long way, I have a lot of work to do but that's all part of life.  I hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Year and I shall return next year with all new material, some old favorites and who knows what else, until then............................PEACE!!!!!!!